It’s funny how this stuff works out, because I would not have understood the reference at all if I hadn’t watched the movie a few weeks ago for the first time, at 43.
I walked through that door to nowhere, involuntarily, almost exactly a year ago due to medical reasons I’m still dealing with after 2 decades of a construction career.
We have even made the same amount of income ($4800 for me) which came from a single painting job that I struggled through. I figured I could do painting. Everybody can paint, right.
It was painful. I kept telling myself it was normal. They had told me I should feel normal by now, so it must be normal.
Nope. I was fucking myself up.
Turns out that it was exactly what I needed. It’s like the universe or whatever label you use was telling me “Sit down, son. You got lessons to learn.”
So I did. Still do.
So I started doing my own version of a mind map using nothing but computer paper and a wall, and a pencil and pens and stuff like that.
I turned my hyper-vigilance around on myself and started analyzing my own behavior, thoughts, feelings, desires, everything. I decided that I would tell nothing but the truth, and I've slowly gotten closer and closer to actually doing so.
I was not as lucky as you were to have a younger self that made that much money. That $4,800 that I made has been long gone for a while. It was gone the week after I made it.
The only reason I'm surviving right now is due to my partner, Shannon. I don't have parents that have money. I don't have parents, for that matter. I don't have any rich relatives that are willing to slide me over a check and say, "Get it back to me when you can."
Essentially, I've had to strip myself bare of desires that cost money, cuz even with her helping me, she can't afford to give me everything I want, so my wants had to change, plain and simple.
And you know what the really cool thing is? That actually brought out creativity. When something becomes a necessity, you figure it out. You don't have a choice.
I am just barely getting started here, but I can tell you one thing for sure: I am so much happier than I was working every single day doing the same things over and over again. No time to actually slow down and use my prefrontal cortex for anything but work. I always prided myself on being a problem solver, and in the construction industry, that's a good skill to have, but I didn't realize that all that was just practice for rebuilding myself after the crash. No, not a car crash or anything. It was literally just overworking my body until it gave up, and here I am.
We shall see where all of this goes, but just know I'm right here with you.
Thanks for sharing your story. While our stories may be different, this sounds exactly like me: "Turned my hyper-vigilance around on myself and started analyzing my behavior, thoughts, feelings, desires..." And sounds like you, I've found channeling my "angst" into a creative endeavor (writing fiction). It's powerful to have a place to put that emotion.
And despite the rough road you've had, coming out the other side to appreciate where you've landed... now that's special.
PS making $4800 from a single painting is amazing!
Great post Rick. I’m 3 years out of corporate and still trying to figure a lot out. Have conceptual ideas more than execution. Last 6 months derailed by death and cancer in the family. Life just keeps twisting and turning, I am getting comfortable with the idea that it will just be like this. Perpetually trying to figure things out. Never really “arriving” anywhere. Then I die LOL.
Well said. A much needed antidote to the ‘Reinvention Porn’ that misleads so many.
You have to walk through the door because staying in the bubble is killing you. It maybe you just get shoved through the door, already half-dead. Then the story begins. I’m at retirement age, my exit happened halfway through my working span. I don’t think I ever ‘figured it out’ and it hasn’t been easy but it’s been a period rich in discovery and spending time with family. I could have been chasing money and status but I’d actually have been going nowhere.
That's a good way of framing it. And probably if you'd stayed within that bubble longer, you may have gotten some things, but it'd have killed you the rest of the way.
Red Pill me any day. I want to unravel the thread on this absurd reality to infinity. Perhaps there’s no escape, but we must not go gently into the dying of the light.
As someone who left a CEO corporate role a little over a year ago, this tracks. I went from leading a large team to being a team of one as I build what’s next. The identity shift is real, but it’s one I’ve found at multiple parts of my career. When I merged my first business in with said larger firm it was “Who am I? I’m no longer an entrepreneur.” Now it’s “Who am I? Am I still a leader?”
The identity crisis always comes around career (not surprising as a recovering type-A workaholic). I don’t know that there will ever be a point of “finding myself”. Mostly just trying to make decisions that get me closer to it on a weekly or monthly basis.
Also, yes—the absolute irony of locking ourselves into a bubble to earn the money to fund the work we need to do to get out of said bubble.
Watch the movie The Misfits. Clark Gable’s way of life is pulling his plug. He decides to pull it himself. Great and unexpected ending. I made the same decision at 60.
Jason... to answer your question: it's probably not! It's probably just getting to a place where you're comfortable (not sure right word) with the fluidity of life.
Totally agree that the real transition begins after you walk through the door, and it's much longer, more expensive, and messier than the triumphant narrative suggests! The money part made me think. Of course the financial cost is real and it matters, but I also found it interesting how easily we default to evaluating those years through income. It seems like you made a very conscious decision not to optimize for money during that period. Had that been the goal or you had the financial need, you probably would've made some different choices to some extend. It's fascinating how deeply we've internalized money as the default metric, even when we're intentionally optimizing for something else. (can relate 🙂)
Yes, you’re right about only judging “return” based on $$$. Strong bias there.
I just wanted to be honest with folks about the nature of transitions and how some of them, mine included, are usually funded somehow (and need to be).
Yes, I totally get all of this. Also the money bias because I notice it with me too. I still get nervous spending too much time on things that ‘don’t pay me’ and I still catch myself feeling disappointed looking at the numbers even if numbers weren’t the goal. But yeah, what I see with everyone I speak to - if you don’t have savings to fund it, you design it differently from the start (e.g. 3 days working for someone else etc).
Now I needed to see this. Yes I did. There is nothing romantic or easy about making the decision to walk away from everything that felt safe and secure. That was me 3 years ago and I still have no idea who I am or what I want to do- shaking off the corporate identity or more like the work identity and how it becomes such an integral part of oneself - deceptively so- is a long and arduous process. With what often feels like no end in sight. So I left voluntarily - after 2 decades - 55 years old - a decision that was years in the making - and plan all you like - you cannot cater for the curveballs life will throw at you. I am now reaching the end of my entire life savings - selling my house - just got the news that my beloved animal might be dying - received a rejection letter from my ex job - they approached me 7 months ago - a series of stops and starts - one interview - assessments - and a system generated rejection. Yes that’s the price I am paying for daring to step out of the bubble.
Thanks for sharing your story Surayya. It perfectly encapsulates the difficultly of the journey, which is so often brushed over. Best of luck figuring out where you’re headed!
Maybe after stepping through that door, crunching numbers is no longer the thing; maybe life behind the door requires no numbers to measure its success or loss; maybe… ? 🙂
Ah, wisdom! Not sure if I have become wiser but searching for wisdom is the goal after I stepped through that door.
An antidote: to translate the Chinese character 智， I had a “debate” with AI on intelligence vs. wisdom. The BOT reached the conclusion that it knew me much more after our debate, and mine was that AI can lay as much claim as it wants when it comes to “intelligence”; I am after wisdom! 😆
Excellent article. Love the phrase "reinvention porn". I haven't heard it before. I have been blogging for about a year over at vaderonfire.com as part of my reinvention and fell your pain. I enjoy it but at times I ask myself why am i doing it as i accept it will not lead to anything like money or fame. At times i get disenchanted with it but yet i kept doing it
I think we all need to use the creative part of our brain. For me writing was an i9nterest when I was a kid so thought it was best to start there. Everyone needs something they can pick up or do on a rainy Tuesday when nothing is scheduled.
It is also proving to be decent self therapy. Hopefully I am getting somewhere and can help the few people with similar struggles to retire who read my site
That's exactly where I started. Wasn't a big "I'm a writer now", just here's some thoughts others may appreciate... then it eventually morphed into a book. Keep going with it!
Totally worth it - money isn’t the measuring stick for this phase though. I really admire the ´brand’ (gross word for it) you are building though. Super envious. It’s the sort of reputation wealth that opens all kinds of doors that money couldn’t open. Also Dungeon Crawler Carl is incredible.
Thanks for the compliment, and funny you say that, because I think my next piece will be about balancing having a "brand" with not wanting a "brand." 😅
Great post Rick. You’ve contributed immensely to how I think about work and purpose and transitions. Thank you for walking through the door - and writing about it!
I really appreciate raw and real content that lays bare the messy reality of “unfolding” as a complex human.
I think you touch on an important perspective that runs rampant in our colonialism capitalist infrastructure society (and which must become reframed for the bulk of humanity not to collapse in on itself through depression, anxiety and existential suffering)…
That contentment can be found in aspiring to and building upon “just enough”.
This mindset flies in the face of everything we have been conditioned to believe since the day we were born - that any value - including OUR value - is to be defined as externally produced stuff (for self) rather than internal input that creates supportive unfolding for others.
Yes, just enough - I am enough. No arrival needed.
Thanks Rick. I appreciate the post.
It’s funny how this stuff works out, because I would not have understood the reference at all if I hadn’t watched the movie a few weeks ago for the first time, at 43.
I walked through that door to nowhere, involuntarily, almost exactly a year ago due to medical reasons I’m still dealing with after 2 decades of a construction career.
We have even made the same amount of income ($4800 for me) which came from a single painting job that I struggled through. I figured I could do painting. Everybody can paint, right.
It was painful. I kept telling myself it was normal. They had told me I should feel normal by now, so it must be normal.
Nope. I was fucking myself up.
Turns out that it was exactly what I needed. It’s like the universe or whatever label you use was telling me “Sit down, son. You got lessons to learn.”
So I did. Still do.
So I started doing my own version of a mind map using nothing but computer paper and a wall, and a pencil and pens and stuff like that.
I turned my hyper-vigilance around on myself and started analyzing my own behavior, thoughts, feelings, desires, everything. I decided that I would tell nothing but the truth, and I've slowly gotten closer and closer to actually doing so.
I was not as lucky as you were to have a younger self that made that much money. That $4,800 that I made has been long gone for a while. It was gone the week after I made it.
The only reason I'm surviving right now is due to my partner, Shannon. I don't have parents that have money. I don't have parents, for that matter. I don't have any rich relatives that are willing to slide me over a check and say, "Get it back to me when you can."
Essentially, I've had to strip myself bare of desires that cost money, cuz even with her helping me, she can't afford to give me everything I want, so my wants had to change, plain and simple.
And you know what the really cool thing is? That actually brought out creativity. When something becomes a necessity, you figure it out. You don't have a choice.
I am just barely getting started here, but I can tell you one thing for sure: I am so much happier than I was working every single day doing the same things over and over again. No time to actually slow down and use my prefrontal cortex for anything but work. I always prided myself on being a problem solver, and in the construction industry, that's a good skill to have, but I didn't realize that all that was just practice for rebuilding myself after the crash. No, not a car crash or anything. It was literally just overworking my body until it gave up, and here I am.
We shall see where all of this goes, but just know I'm right here with you.
Good luck, buddy.
Thanks for sharing your story. While our stories may be different, this sounds exactly like me: "Turned my hyper-vigilance around on myself and started analyzing my behavior, thoughts, feelings, desires..." And sounds like you, I've found channeling my "angst" into a creative endeavor (writing fiction). It's powerful to have a place to put that emotion.
And despite the rough road you've had, coming out the other side to appreciate where you've landed... now that's special.
PS making $4800 from a single painting is amazing!
Great post Rick. I’m 3 years out of corporate and still trying to figure a lot out. Have conceptual ideas more than execution. Last 6 months derailed by death and cancer in the family. Life just keeps twisting and turning, I am getting comfortable with the idea that it will just be like this. Perpetually trying to figure things out. Never really “arriving” anywhere. Then I die LOL.
Yeah, then figures itself out for you! 😅
Exactly this - life will keep doing what it does
Well said. A much needed antidote to the ‘Reinvention Porn’ that misleads so many.
You have to walk through the door because staying in the bubble is killing you. It maybe you just get shoved through the door, already half-dead. Then the story begins. I’m at retirement age, my exit happened halfway through my working span. I don’t think I ever ‘figured it out’ and it hasn’t been easy but it’s been a period rich in discovery and spending time with family. I could have been chasing money and status but I’d actually have been going nowhere.
That's a good way of framing it. And probably if you'd stayed within that bubble longer, you may have gotten some things, but it'd have killed you the rest of the way.
Red Pill me any day. I want to unravel the thread on this absurd reality to infinity. Perhaps there’s no escape, but we must not go gently into the dying of the light.
Love the mixing of The Matrix + poetry = bravo.
Good reflections. Though I sense if you had much less money you would have figured out how to make money?
Absolutely, though I can guarantee you it wouldn't have been in writing fiction 😅
🤣
As someone who left a CEO corporate role a little over a year ago, this tracks. I went from leading a large team to being a team of one as I build what’s next. The identity shift is real, but it’s one I’ve found at multiple parts of my career. When I merged my first business in with said larger firm it was “Who am I? I’m no longer an entrepreneur.” Now it’s “Who am I? Am I still a leader?”
The identity crisis always comes around career (not surprising as a recovering type-A workaholic). I don’t know that there will ever be a point of “finding myself”. Mostly just trying to make decisions that get me closer to it on a weekly or monthly basis.
Also, yes—the absolute irony of locking ourselves into a bubble to earn the money to fund the work we need to do to get out of said bubble.
Great post.
Thanks Mary Beth for sharing your story. Glad it resonates with your journey.
Two recommendations:
Watch the movie The Misfits. Clark Gable’s way of life is pulling his plug. He decides to pull it himself. Great and unexpected ending. I made the same decision at 60.
Also read: Seneca, Letters to Lucilious.
Great recommendations, will add them to my list, thanks!
Thank you Rick.
An honest reflection on making a choice to enter a liminal space. But if it never ends, is it really liminal?
I’m now asking more questions, and getting less answers.
Jason... to answer your question: it's probably not! It's probably just getting to a place where you're comfortable (not sure right word) with the fluidity of life.
Totally agree that the real transition begins after you walk through the door, and it's much longer, more expensive, and messier than the triumphant narrative suggests! The money part made me think. Of course the financial cost is real and it matters, but I also found it interesting how easily we default to evaluating those years through income. It seems like you made a very conscious decision not to optimize for money during that period. Had that been the goal or you had the financial need, you probably would've made some different choices to some extend. It's fascinating how deeply we've internalized money as the default metric, even when we're intentionally optimizing for something else. (can relate 🙂)
Yes, you’re right about only judging “return” based on $$$. Strong bias there.
I just wanted to be honest with folks about the nature of transitions and how some of them, mine included, are usually funded somehow (and need to be).
I think you, more than anyone, get all this!
Yes, I totally get all of this. Also the money bias because I notice it with me too. I still get nervous spending too much time on things that ‘don’t pay me’ and I still catch myself feeling disappointed looking at the numbers even if numbers weren’t the goal. But yeah, what I see with everyone I speak to - if you don’t have savings to fund it, you design it differently from the start (e.g. 3 days working for someone else etc).
Now I needed to see this. Yes I did. There is nothing romantic or easy about making the decision to walk away from everything that felt safe and secure. That was me 3 years ago and I still have no idea who I am or what I want to do- shaking off the corporate identity or more like the work identity and how it becomes such an integral part of oneself - deceptively so- is a long and arduous process. With what often feels like no end in sight. So I left voluntarily - after 2 decades - 55 years old - a decision that was years in the making - and plan all you like - you cannot cater for the curveballs life will throw at you. I am now reaching the end of my entire life savings - selling my house - just got the news that my beloved animal might be dying - received a rejection letter from my ex job - they approached me 7 months ago - a series of stops and starts - one interview - assessments - and a system generated rejection. Yes that’s the price I am paying for daring to step out of the bubble.
Thanks for sharing your story Surayya. It perfectly encapsulates the difficultly of the journey, which is so often brushed over. Best of luck figuring out where you’re headed!
Thank you
Maybe after stepping through that door, crunching numbers is no longer the thing; maybe life behind the door requires no numbers to measure its success or loss; maybe… ? 🙂
You're always bringing the wisdom, Yi!
Ah, wisdom! Not sure if I have become wiser but searching for wisdom is the goal after I stepped through that door.
An antidote: to translate the Chinese character 智， I had a “debate” with AI on intelligence vs. wisdom. The BOT reached the conclusion that it knew me much more after our debate, and mine was that AI can lay as much claim as it wants when it comes to “intelligence”; I am after wisdom! 😆
Excellent article. Love the phrase "reinvention porn". I haven't heard it before. I have been blogging for about a year over at vaderonfire.com as part of my reinvention and fell your pain. I enjoy it but at times I ask myself why am i doing it as i accept it will not lead to anything like money or fame. At times i get disenchanted with it but yet i kept doing it
PS. Thanks for your comment and sharing your story!
Why are you doing it?
I think we all need to use the creative part of our brain. For me writing was an i9nterest when I was a kid so thought it was best to start there. Everyone needs something they can pick up or do on a rainy Tuesday when nothing is scheduled.
It is also proving to be decent self therapy. Hopefully I am getting somewhere and can help the few people with similar struggles to retire who read my site
That's exactly where I started. Wasn't a big "I'm a writer now", just here's some thoughts others may appreciate... then it eventually morphed into a book. Keep going with it!
Totally worth it - money isn’t the measuring stick for this phase though. I really admire the ´brand’ (gross word for it) you are building though. Super envious. It’s the sort of reputation wealth that opens all kinds of doors that money couldn’t open. Also Dungeon Crawler Carl is incredible.
Thanks for the compliment, and funny you say that, because I think my next piece will be about balancing having a "brand" with not wanting a "brand." 😅
Great post Rick. You’ve contributed immensely to how I think about work and purpose and transitions. Thank you for walking through the door - and writing about it!
Thanks Bart. Your comment means a lot.
I really appreciate raw and real content that lays bare the messy reality of “unfolding” as a complex human.
I think you touch on an important perspective that runs rampant in our colonialism capitalist infrastructure society (and which must become reframed for the bulk of humanity not to collapse in on itself through depression, anxiety and existential suffering)…
That contentment can be found in aspiring to and building upon “just enough”.
This mindset flies in the face of everything we have been conditioned to believe since the day we were born - that any value - including OUR value - is to be defined as externally produced stuff (for self) rather than internal input that creates supportive unfolding for others.
Yes, just enough - I am enough. No arrival needed.
Well said. Certainly hard to do. I'm workin' on it!